Coaching Cooking

In honor of junky quizzes everywhere (and my own half-assed attempt to lure in the readers via ProBlogger’s latest writing group contest), I present my Top 10 Food Trend Predictions for 2007 (in no particular order…) with the answers at the bottom of the page. Yes, some of you will attempt to read the whole thing and many of you will scroll up and down like crazy monkeys. Enjoy!

1. Hershey’s Kisses will release its newest flavor of chocolate kiss (in honor of their 100-year anniversay) and fulfill many a skinny-legged celebrities dream of total and complete train-wreck, nightmarish and that flavor is….

2. Carl’s Jr. and Jack in the Box will team up and make the burger famously known as…

3. Someone will finally invent diet food in pill form and call it…

4. Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie will jointly release their long-awaited cookbook called…

5. Donald Trump will open a restaurant called…

6. The new Top Chef, winning in a sick and twisted fate, will be announced and that person is…

7. Trader Joe’s and Whole Foods will battle out the latest form of microfood that is…

8. A well-known dish will be banned by this major city:

9. Starbucks will unveil its latest drink called the…

10. Pork, in a massive coup attempt, will tire of the label “the other white meat” and team up with….

Answers:

1. self-loathing…oh, and cucumber slices. Yeah, it’s not their best-seller. I prefer the candy cane ones myself.

2. the Ten-Dollar Super Testosterone Sirloin Philly Cheese Spicy Jack Ultimate Portuguese Double Patty with Sauteed Onions, Onion Rings, Onion Wedges, Onion Bits on a Sourdough French Ciabatta Roll with Bacon Guacamole Sauce…and it’ll come with its own leather carrying case and a shovel.

3. NWRs (NeoWonkaRichies): these pills will include flavors like: Vodka and a half-slice of olive, Melba Toast and Tuna (no mayo), that “diet” salad plate from the local diner with the tomato and hamburger patty, and a piece of chocolate (made with Splenda). These pills will help a person lose water weight super fast, but then they will also feel the urge to dress like the Olson twins and to wear makeup straight from “Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?”

4. “OMG, the Simple Meal: Tips and Tricks on Roadside Cooking” with recipes for Humble Hermès Pie and Dehydrated Water.

5. D’Or: the restaurant where the glitterati and the slight of body go to strut their quickly waning stuff. Signature dishes include the foie gras with caviar, seared ahi tuna and abalone stuffed in a jewel encrusted shell topped with a rich gold flake sauce. Signature drinks will include the “You’re Effen Fired!” featuring black cherry Effen vodka, bitters and a signature cocktail pick with the Donald’s face on it (and the unemployment office number on the back).

6. Michael Midgley (a.k.a. Mike or the Dude Who Always Looks Stoned). At this point Tom Colicchio will have a heart attack while Padma Lakshmi tries to revive him with her bare, sexy hands. Gail Simmons will also try to help, but no one really cares.

7. microchips in flavors like scallion valley, cucumbertino, munchie view and san franchese with caraway seeds. These chips will come in teeny-tiny bags made from soy-flavored ink and pressed, organic rice paper and each bag will include inspiring quotes from gurus like Mitch Albom, Rachael Ray and Suze Orman. The microchips may cause a little bloating at first due to their high smug content, but in the long run you’ll feel pretty self-satisfied until it catches up to you when you mix carbohydrates with any alcoholic or dairy beverage (try the Compiaciuto!).

8. Boston will finally ban Manhattan clam chowder just like it has always wanted to since the turn of the last century. Some chefs retaliate by secretly slipping tomatoes into New England clam chowder. In retaliation New York City will to outlaw the term “chowdah” and the two cities reach an ugly tipping point involving several thousand cases of oyster crackers and a televised debate.

9. Compiaciuto with double shots of espresso and high-quality chocolate imported from sterile monks in Rome who hand-sort the cacao beans while wearing silk gloves. This drink induces pleasant feelings of worthiness until you have to remember that you paid $9 for it. Oh and it comes with a side of airy milk foam a la Ferran Adria.

10. creamed spinach to form the ultimate, modern steakhouse meal. Beef, in a fit of jealousy, will hire Dr. Phil’s consulting company to beef up it’s image. Yeah, ha ha ha…

Check out the other predictions, reviews and lists at ProBlogger. Hey, we can’t all be Nostradamus. Some of us are just going for that cheap, snarky laugh! Thanks to Darren Rouse for the motivation to write all this silliness. Not that I need motivation to be sarcastic…

Happy Holidays! May your drinks stay effervescent and boozy and may your food taste better than the Ten-Dollar Super Testosterone Sirloin Philly Cheese Spicy Jack….